


Many Lives I May Have Lived (But My Heart Remains with You)

by MidnightFragments



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, brief mention of attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:40:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9059956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightFragments/pseuds/MidnightFragments
Summary: Niou keeps finding Yagyuu in every life he lives.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [2016 Xmas Ouji exchange](http://xmasouji.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I want to thank [Alex](http://homoerotic-volleyball-montage.tumblr.com/), [Snow](http://japanesesnowprincess.tumblr.com/), [Holy](http://holycowbrowniekitty.tumblr.com/) and [Iz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassNoRouyaDeUnazuku) for cheering, reading, fixing, suggesting and all in all being the best people in the world. Special thanks to Alex for coming up with the title. Don't know what I would have done without you girls.

**_"I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was long ago, in another life."_ **

**_-Dave Schinbeckler_ **

****

The first time Niou Masaharu meets Yagyuu Hiroshi, it's over before it even has the chance to start.

"Hiraizumi?" Niou asks the man in the car through the opened window. The man nods and Niou climbs into the vehicle, thankful for the warmth of the car. "Thanks."

Niou doesn't even get to ask for the stranger's name. A few minutes into the drive, a truck on the other side of the road crashes into them.

***

Niou dreams about the face of a man he is sure he has never seen.

It becomes a thing he expects. He goes to sleep and he dreams of a man with a soft, brown hair, and silver eyes that hide behind thin glasses. He is always trying to catch him, but the man is always out of reach.

He thinks of looking for him, but he understands how ridiculous that sounds. He can't find a person based on an image he has in his dreams.

He borrows a book from the library for his little brother when he finds him, right there on the back cover. The short paragraph beneath it tells him the man's name is Yagyuu Hiroshi, and he lives in Yamagata prefecture with his wife and two kids.

The next day he quits his job and takes a train to Tsuruoka, after a quick search on the internet.

He finds the man's address in the local phone book and it's only when he is standing on the other side of the street from the house that he realizes this is crazy. So he turns around and rents a room in the cheapest hotel he can find. The bed creaks beneath him, the water in the shower don't get warm, and the TV is broken. He sighs as he closes his eyes. Coming here was a mistake.

He wakes up in the middle of the night to a smoke filled room. The fire is already too strong to escape it.

***

He remembers everything in his next life, and his parents end up admitting him to a psychiatric hospital when he keeps talking about past lives and memories that go beyond his years.

To his surprise, he meets Yagyuu there, six whole years after entering the place for the first time.

"What are you here for?"

The other boy raises his eyes from the book he is reading. "You always ask people that on their first day?" He sounds annoyed, but he closes the book so Niou takes it as a sign he can sit.

"It's initiation," he declares. "The veteran welcomes the new guy. Cigarette?" He hands the pack to the other man.

"I don't smoke."

Niou shrugs, puts the pack back in his pocket and lights his cigarette. He inhales deeply three times before speaking again. "Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Not really." A moment of silence, and then, "I want to believe that when you die you are finally free from this hell. I'd hate to think I have to be born again over and over."

Niou says nothing until he finishes his cigarette, and then he stands up. "It's nice to meet you, Yagyuu-san."

"I never told you my name."

Niou allows a soft smile to take place on his face. "I know everything, Yagyuu-san."

A few hours later, after dinner is over, Yagyuu finds him. "So why are _you_ here?"

"Who knows?"

"They say you've been here for a long time."

"Who's 'they'?"

Yagyuu shrugs. "Everyone."

Niou lets out a sigh before he says, "I've been here for longer than I can remember." It's not really true. He remembers the day he was brought in like it was yesterday, but the six years that have passed since then sometimes felt like eternity.

A long silence stretches between them, before Yagyuu breaks it. "I swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol."

"How was it?" He doesn't really expect an answer.

Yagyuu gives one anyway. "Hurt like hell."

They both snort, and so they become friends.

 

It doesn't take long before Niou starts developing feelings for Yagyuu. He isn't surprised when one day he looks at the way the other boy laughs and realizes that he is in love. He thinks it was meant to be, what with how fate keeps bringing him to Yagyuu in every life he lives.

They kiss for the first time under an old oak tree in the garden of the institution. Niou thinks he couldn't be happier.

There are no doors inside – not in the bedrooms, not in the showers. It's supposed to be a safety matter, to prevent suicidal patients from locking themselves and risking their lives.

For Niou, it means he can never get full privacy. It didn't bother him much until he started dating Yagyuu and wanted a place where they could be together.

One evening, they both claim they don't feel well and don't go down for dinner. They get winks and knowing looks from their roommates, but at least they know they have the room for themselves, for at least an hour.

Niou's only experience comes from memories from past lives, which don't help very much, so he lets Yagyuu lead the way. He doesn't care. He thinks he would let Yagyuu lead their entire life together if it meant he got to feel that way all the time. 

 

"You're getting out tomorrow?"

Yagyuu nods, and Niou feels something tight in his chest. It's not fair. Why is it that whenever he finally comes close to Yagyuu, the other man stays out of reach? "Congratulations," he says, hoping his internal thoughts don't show.

"I'll come visit," Yagyuu promises, whispering the words into Niou's ear.

Niou nods in agreement, but he knows Yagyuu won't come. They never come back to the hospital if they don't have to. There are too many bad memories here.

And he is right – Yagyuu really never comes back. Three months later, Niou dials the number Yagyuu left him before he left. Yagyuu's mother cries on the other side of the line as she informs Niou that Yagyuu died in a plane crash two months earlier.

Niou thinks fate is cruel.

***

Niou has a strange feeling regarding his new roommate in the dorms, but he can't place his finger on it. He can't explain his instant attraction to the boy, or the feeling that he gets when he looks at Yagyuu, like they have met before.

They couldn't have met before, Niou is sure of that. He wouldn't be able to forget someone as ridiculous as Yagyuu Hiroshi – with his serious face and ever-so-polite attitude. Niou spilled his tea over Yagyuu's lap one day, and Yagyuu apologized to _him_ for being in his way. Ridiculous, honestly.

About three months after they meet for the first time, Niou crawls into Yagyuu's bed in the middle of the night. He is drunk after going out with his friends, and he is horny and hot and he wants Yagyuu. Now.

Yagyuu doesn't push him away. He lets Niou touch his firm chest, close his teeth around his hard, pink nipples. He doesn't say anything as Niou moves south and wraps his mouth around his erection, just lets out small, strangled moans. And when Niou finally pushes inside him, he wraps his arms and legs around him and whispers Niou's name in his ear.

 

Niou wakes up in Yagyuu's bed, alone. His head is pounding.

He finds Yagyuu in the small kitchen. There isn't anyone else hanging around, and Niou doesn't know if he's thankful for it or wishes they weren't alone.

"So," he says, taking a seat.

"So," Yagyuu answers. He pushes the orange juice in Niou's direction.

Niou takes it, and their eyes meet for the first time. It takes a few moments, but Niou smiles. Yagyuu smiles back.

 

He is a fucking idiot.

Niou has always known he was a moron, but he never realized just how much. He doesn't think he can ever erase the image of Yagyuu's hurt face when he sees Niou kissing that girl.

He doesn't even know her name. One moment he was dancing, and the next she was in front of him, moving her body against his own. Why did he kiss her?

"Wait!" his call is useless – the music is too loud for Yagyuu to hear him. He keeps calling him as he chases him out of the club, not caring if it has no point.

Moments like this always happen in slow motion in movies. You stand and you see every little detail, you know the end is coming.

In reality, it happens in a blink of an eye. Yagyuu runs across the road to the other side, Niou runs after him. The taxi comes out of nowhere. Everything fades to black.

***

Niou has a new neighbor, some quiet guy he hasn't met yet. The only reason he knows he is there is the singing voice in the shower. He slips and nearly breaks his neck the first time he takes a shower and an unfamiliar male voice suddenly rises from the other side of the wall, singing a catchy pop song.

"Fuck's sake," he mutters, clutching his hand to his chest and feeling his heart beating fast.

 

A few weeks later, he is already timing his showers with his neighbor's. The loud singing voice makes him smile, and he hums the familiar songs with it, never loudly enough to be heard by the stranger on the other side of the wall.

He can never know what song he is going to hear. One day his neighbor sings some Anzen Chitai hit from the 80's, and the next he goes for Can You Feel the Love Tonight. And the day after that he sings an Arashi song that Niou doesn't even know _why_ he knows, but he hums along anyway.

 

One day Niou waits, but his neighbor doesn't sing. He checks his watch three times, frowning. His neighbor is always punctual.

For some reason that is beyond his grasp, he checks the hallway outside his apartment – and sees his neighbor for the first time.

The man is sitting on the floor outside his apartment, arms hugging his knees and his eyes staring at the gray wall in front of him through thin, small glasses.

After a moment of hesitation, he steps outside. "Is everything okay?" he asks.

He gets a surprised look in return. "Fine." Nodding at his door, the man adds, "Key broke inside the lock. I'm waiting for the locksmith." His voice is smooth and quiet, nothing like the loud, careless singing one. It's still clearly the same voice.

"Do you…" Niou gestures vaguely towards his opened door. "Do you want to come inside while you wait?" He is annoyingly aware of the way he scratches his head in embarrassment.

"Weren't you just about to go somewhere?"

"Ah…" How could he explain his weird urge to check the hallway? "No, I… uh… I thought I heard something, that's why I came out."

"Oh." The man stands up. "In that case, I'd love to. Thank you."

Niou nods. "Niou Masaharu."

"Yagyuu Hiroshi, nice to meet you."

Niou makes dinner (he heats up some Chinese leftovers) and asks Yagyuu if he wants to watch anything on TV (they are going to watch the new episode of the new drama that's airing today but Yagyuu doesn't know it yet).

Halfway through the episode, he says, "You have quite a taste in music, Yagyuu-san."

Yagyuu chokes on his food. His face turn a deep shade of red. "You can _hear_ me?"

Niou smirks. "Loud and clear. It's okay," he adds when he thinks Yagyuu can't turn any redder. "I like it."

 

The next day, Yagyuu doesn't sing, even though Niou can hear the noise coming from his shower. He has no other choice, he decides. He starts chanting Bohemian Rhapsody from the bottom of his heart.

After a minute, he smiles as he hears Yagyuu's voice joining his.

 

There's something about Yagyuu Niou doesn't quite understand, like a string is connecting their bodies together, and every time they are apart Niou feels it, trying to pull him in Yagyuu's direction. He is not sure he wants to understand that.

 

Yagyuu waits for him outside his apartment one day. "Go out with me," he says the moment he spots Niou.

Niou stares at him.

Yagyuu bites his lower lip and doesn't meet his eye. "Or… not. I'll see you around, Niou-kun." He disappears into his own apartment before Niou has a chance to realize what's going on.

It takes him a few long minutes to finally divert his eyes from Yagyuu's door and search for his keys. When he is inside, he leans against the door and closes his eyes. "Shit."

The thing is – Niou isn't gay, cannot be gay. His parents raised him to believe homosexual relationships were an abomination; his friends used to bully the openly gay kid in his high school; his coworkers always threw homophobic comments into the air. Niou can't be gay.

Except, there's something about Yagyuu. And Niou doesn't want to admit it to himself.

So he goes out and finds a random girl, and he brings her home and fucks her on the couch, and then again against the shower wall, and again on his bed.

The next morning he sees Yagyuu as he leaves for work. Yagyuu has a hard look in his eyes. "Was she good?" he asks.

Niou doesn't answer. He notices how Yagyuu's jaw clenches, how his fingers are closed in a fist.

"Fuck you," Yagyuu spits.

Niou stares at his back as he walks away.

 

He's always hated thunderstorms. The loud noises always make him think of explosions.

As he makes his way home that day, his steps quick and his hands clutching his umbrella so the wind doesn't blow it away, he shrinks every time he hears a thunder. In the end, it's a lightning bolt that actually hurts him.

Niou has never felt such pain before.

Funny. He never thought lightning was more dangerous than thunder.

***

In his next lifetime, Niou finds Yagyuu in high school. His eyes land upon the brown hair, the silver eyes, and suddenly he is struck with every memory of the other boy from every single life he's lived so far. His head spins. His breath catches in his chest. His legs feel like they can't carry the weight of his body anymore.

When he finally feels like he can move again, he makes his way into the classroom and searches for his name.

He watches Yagyuu from the other side of the room, waiting for the other boy to finally look at him and give him some sign that he feels the same thing Niou does, but when he finally meets his eyes, Yagyuu's face show nothing.

He's always thought the expression "broken heart" was exaggerated. He doesn't think that anymore.

 

Lying in bed at nights, Niou lets himself remember. The way Yagyuu used to look at him and smile with soft eyes; the way his warm body felt against Niou's; the way his lips fit on his.

He decides to not talk to Yagyuu. He thinks he won't be able to act normal around him, but he doesn't want to make the other boy feel uncomfortable.

As the weeks go by, though, he feels his resolution resolving.

One day he asks Yagyuu to explain a math problem to him. Another time, he asks to borrow a pencil. Before winter break, he wishes him a merry Christmas. Those stolen moments feel like a treasure.

 

On their graduation day, Niou asks to talk to Yagyuu. He leads the other boy to a secluded corner behind the science building, and then he kisses him.

After that, Yagyuu fixes his glasses on his nose and asks Niou to never touch him again. He speaks so kindly Niou almost misses the meaning of his words. When he does get it, it hurts. He thought the feeling he got on the first day of high school was awful. He was wrong. This feels like someone has stabbed a knife into his heart and is now moving it inside him.

Yagyuu leaves.

Niou thinks he should go after him. He thinks he should explain. He thinks if he just said everything, Yagyuu might understand. He doesn't. How is he supposed to explain to Yagyuu that he's been in love with him in every past lifetime without sounding crazy?

Three weeks later an earthquake causes Niou's house to collapse on him. He lies beneath the ruins for hours, long after his body no longer feels the pain. He hopes it ends soon.

***

Niou starts hating Christmas when he is seven years old, when what he asks for Christmas is a red firetruck and what he gets is his parents yelling at each other for hours as he crouches behind his bed and tries to not hear a thing.

The following years, he gets used to celebrate the holiday with just one of his parents. His mother gets to have his siblings and him first, and a year after that they're at their dad's. The golden star at the top of the tree always looks so lonely to Niou.

 

Eighteen years later, he goes out with his friends on Christmas Eve when he sees him – brown hair glued to his head with sweat, eyes closed as he moves his body to the rhythm of the music, mouth slightly opened. He is the most beautiful man Niou has ever seen.

He dances his way across the dancefloor, until he is close enough to tap the man's shoulder. He gets a look from a pair of silver eyes, beautiful like a jewel, before the man wraps his arms around Niou's neck and smashes their bodies together.

The music is loud, he can feel the bass echoing in his veins as they move together.

Niou has no idea who initiates the kiss, but not long after they start dancing together their lips are joined and his tongue is deep in the man's mouth. He touches, and he kisses, and he gets lost in the moment.

"My apartment is not far," he finally shouts into the man's ear.

 

Niou still doesn't know the man's name, but by the time he's done preparing him and starts pushing inside him he's decided that if he had to choose one sound to hear for the rest of his life, he'd choose the moans he lets out as Niou moves inside him.

Beautiful.

 

He wakes up in the morning when the man gets out of bed and starts dressing. An irrational panic take over him. For some reason, he doesn't want the man to go.

"Good morning," he says, voice hoarse from sleep.

The man buttons his jeans and turns to look at him. "Morning."

"Stay for breakfast."

The man shakes his head. "I have some place I need to be at."

Sitting up in the bed, Niou runs a hand through his hair and tries to force his brain to get out of its sleepy haze and think. The man finds his shirt on the floor and wears it, and then sits on the bed to put on his shoes.

He is about to leave.

"Go out on a date with me."

The man stops in the middle of tying his laces and straightens his back. He pushes some hair out of his eyes. "Okay."

"Okay," Niou repeats. Something inside him relaxes.

The man grabs his phone and saves his name and his number – Yagyuu Hiroshi, Niou reads – and stands up. "Merry Christmas, uh…"

"Niou Masaharu," Niou says.

"Merry Christmas, Niou-kun,"

"Merry Christmas," he replies.

He hasn't felt quite that happy on Christmas for a long time.

 

Their first date is a mess.

They are being kicked out of the movie theater for making too much noise and there's a mix-up in the restaurant they made reservations for so they end up eating in McDonald's instead. They plan to watch the New Year's fireworks from a Ferris wheel, but the line is too long and they end up looking at the sky while standing in the middle of a crowd at the bottom of it.

Niou doesn't care. Yagyuu looks happy.

 

They move in together eight months later. They find a small apartment in the outskirts of Kyoto, and Niou makes it a point to argue with Yagyuu about every single furniture and home décor decision he makes. It's not that he cares too much – he'd be happy with everything as long as Yagyuu's there, really – but he loves seeing Yagyuu's face turn redder as he gets more annoyed.

 

A month before Christmas, Yagyuu asks him to come to his parents with him. Niou hasn't celebrated Christmas in years, ever since he was old enough to live on his own and stopped feeling an obligation to be with either one of his parents.

He agrees, and on the morning of Christmas Eve they fly from Osaka to Tokyo. Yagyuu's parents welcome him with open arms, and he thinks that Christmas isn't all that bad after all.

 

"Marry me."

Yagyuu looks up from his book. "Excuse me?"

Niou turns off the TV and takes his feet off Yagyuu's lap. "Marry me," he repeats.

"We can't."

Niou shrugs. "We can have rings. We can have a symbolic ceremony with our families. We don't have to do it in the conventional way." He takes Yagyuu's hand in his. "It can be just for us."

As he keeps talking, Yagyuu starts smiling. First a small, uncertain stretch of his lips, but by the end his smile is lighting his face. "Okay," he nods. "Yeah, okay."

Niou jumps on his legs. "One second," he throws over his shoulder as he hurries to the bedroom. He rummages through his socks drawer until he finds an old pair he hasn't worn in years. He pulls a small box out of it and hurries back to the living room.

"What are you doing?" Yagyuu asks as he crouches in front of him.

Niou smirks. "Got to do it right," he answers. Raising the box and opening it, he asks, "Yagyuu Hiroshi, will you marry me?"

Yagyuu's smile becomes even wider. Niou didn't know it was possible. "Yes," he replies.

Niou smiles like a fool.

 

They invite their families and close friends for a small gathering to celebrate their "marriage" on Christmas, four years after their first encounter. Yagyuu's sister cooks – she is a great cook, Niou sometimes thinks if he hadn't met Yagyuu he'd marry her for her food – and Niou's sister takes it upon herself to make a slideshow consisting of the most embarrassing moments of Niou's childhood.

In front of everyone, they promise each other to always love and cherish each other, to always be there in times of need.

Niou doesn't hate Christmas anymore. It's his favorite day of the year.

***

_Niou sometimes dreams about Yagyuu, about different lives. Sometimes Yagyuu is his neighbor, sometimes his class mate. A couple times they are both in a psychiatric institution. A few times Yagyuu gives Niou a ride in a red pickup truck. For some reason, one of them always ends up dying in his dreams._

_It doesn't matter, though. Because every morning Niou opens his eyes and Yagyuu is in his arms. And that's all that matters._

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me, my wonderful betas and an entire group of PoT addicts on [Discord](https://discord.gg/xKuP2vq). We don't bite.


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